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Between Friends: Wordplay and Other Playful Bonds

By Laura Lynn Brown 11 Comments

friendship project

A poet friend sometimes sends the slightest of messages, a single word.

havoc

And I’ll offer one back.

                        hermetic

Weeks later, repeat.

scaffolding

                        sinews

Sometimes our call-and-response is more than a hand’s worth.

distillery, usher, lucent, tamarisk tree, spume, eel

                                                peen, hasp, smudge, aglet, philtrum, nape

Sometimes my one word elicits a list.

                        pelagic

compadre companion tandem resonance

                        amity abacus dolmathes avgolemono

I would call this my quietest perpetually present friendship. She and I go months without speaking, weeks without writing, but somehow a quiet presence abides. These wee word-lists are one of our bonds, a form of play I share with no one else.

Now that I think about it, there’s so much that is playful. First, to send just a word. It says both “I am thinking about this word” and “I am thinking about you.” It is, like the simplest definition of play, purely for enjoyment rather than toward a purpose. It expects nothing back, but it hopes. It wonders, “What will you make of this?” And the recipient responds — with surprise, with pleasure in receiving such an odd message, with gladness for the gift, and with reciprocity.

What word shall I give? The one most on my mind at the moment? Something alliterative? Same part of speech? Same degree of unusualness?

Sometimes these words make it into sentences and poems and paragraphs. But we rarely send those. Our exchanges feel a little like the times we’ve spent sitting in a tea shop or a living room together, reading, writing, working, mostly in companionable silence, grateful for each other’s presence.

If we analyzed all of our exchanges, we could probably discern some complex, unwritten but tacitly agreed-on rules and make it a game. That would squeeze the life out of it. It’s different every time (number of words, time of day, length of exchanges, whether it grows into conversation or is its own poetic sandwich embreaded by silence). Yet it’s the same (sort of like tossing a ball back and forth, if the ball were a large and unbreaking soap bubble, transparent, barely visible, moving at wobbly breath-speed rather than hand-toss velocity, pausing, hovering, waiting to be breath-blown back).

They come in texts, in private messages, on postcards (tautologous, pullulate, cantata). They give peeks into a mind at work and play, always wondering.

I’d guess there’s an element of play in all enduring friendships. In some of my friendships we send each other photos or links and sometimes gifts related to a shared enthusiasm (ALDI bargains, parades, chickens in the news). In others, playful teasing and shared jokes bind us and weave the fabric of our friendship stronger.

Perhaps this play is one of the things that determine whether an acquaintanceship will cross the invisible boundary into solid, for-keeps friendship. We don’t plan it or force it. It just happens. And even if the form of play is similar in some friendships, the texture of each is as distinct as a fingerprint.

To Discuss With Friends (Or Use in Personal Journaling)

1. What common elements of play do you see in your friendships? Is there a way you tend to be playful in friendship?

2. Think of specific enduring friendships and the elements that hold each one together. What playfulness is involved? Do you remember how this just-the-two-of-you play began or evolved?

3. What words, common phrases, shared jokes do you and a friend share?

4. How do you keep in playful contact with friends you might see only once a year or less?

5. Is silence a steadying or structural element in a friendship? How so?

_______________

If you choose to write about any of the above, feel free to come back and share a link to what you’ve written. If you don’t have an online writing space, then drop in an excerpt for our community to enjoy.

 

Photo by 白士 李, Creative Commons, via Flickr. Post by Laura Brown.

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Laura Lynn Brown
Laura Lynn Brown
A writing instructor at the University of Pittsburgh, Laura Lynn Brown is also an author, editor and writing coach who honed her writing and editing talents at The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Her work was named as a Notable Essay in the 2013 Best American Essays. Laura has an MFA in nonfiction from the University of Pittsburgh and is the author of Everything That Makes You Mom. Writing about her own place (Pittsburgh) is one of her great loves.
Laura Lynn Brown
Latest posts by Laura Lynn Brown (see all)
  • Pandemic Journal: An Entry on Pencil Balancing - August 4, 2020
  • Between Friends: Wordplay and Other Playful Bonds - July 25, 2019
  • The Power of Curiosity: “Can I Touch Your Hair?” by Irene Latham & Charles Waters - May 29, 2019

Filed Under: Blog, Friendship Project, Patron Only, Play

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About Laura Lynn Brown

A writing instructor at the University of Pittsburgh, Laura Lynn Brown is also an author, editor and writing coach who honed her writing and editing talents at The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Her work was named as a Notable Essay in the 2013 Best American Essays. Laura has an MFA in nonfiction from the University of Pittsburgh and is the author of Everything That Makes You Mom. Writing about her own place (Pittsburgh) is one of her great loves.

Comments

  1. Bethany R. says

    July 25, 2019 at 12:12 pm

    clever light-footed mirth-sketch

    Reply
    • Laura Lynn Brown says

      July 25, 2019 at 12:26 pm

      notice respond hyphenate

      thanks

      Reply
  2. L.L. Barkat says

    July 25, 2019 at 5:58 pm

    I do believe this: “I’d guess there’s an element of play in all enduring friendships.”

    True play is a space-making activity. It’s also generative. Both seem vital for a lasting friendship. (Although I suppose there are cases where the friendship is more designed to keep something in check and prevent growth. I’m not sure I’d call that friendship, so much, though.)

    I think my favorite play tends to be mostly verbal. Other than that, it’s probably ritual that holds things together a little more than play. If I can make someone a cup of tea, that is what I’ll do. (This is one hard thing for me about online friendships. I tend to rely fairly heavily on silent rituals, and the requirement to put everything into words and to be *on* makes it less-than-optimal, at least for me. 🙂 Yet, here we are. 🙂

    Thanks for the glimpse of this friendship play of yours, Laura. 🙂 (The post should have a warning to come with a dictionary in hand. 😉 )

    Reply
    • Laura Lynn Brown says

      July 26, 2019 at 1:07 pm

      Thanks for bringing up the importance of ritual. Do you think a Venn diagram of friendship sustainers would have an overlap of ritual and play?

      There are probably exceptions, but I think true friendship requires some in-person time together. This friendship began in person and is renewed occasionally in person. Several times a year, the space around and between these and other written exchanges leads to a long phone call, where there’s more play, good questions, keen listening, analysis, laughter — the kind of talk that leads to growth, desires growth for each other, reflects growth back to each other. There are some objects that mark waypoints — a small notebook, a teapot, a blue blanket — and rituals, such as one of us leaving the door open for the other to come in for a morning of quiet writing together.

      I like that ritual of making tea. It speaks care.

      Reply
  3. Laura Willis says

    July 26, 2019 at 8:24 pm

    Long-distance improv.
    The answer is never “No”.
    Each exchange opens the door for a response.
    Lovely.

    Reply
    • Sandra Heska King says

      August 3, 2019 at 3:36 pm

      Yes.

      Doubly. Snugly. Cuddly. Smugly. Gruffly.

      Reply
  4. lynn__ says

    July 28, 2019 at 5:41 pm

    You mentioned chickens and I think of a friend who had pet chickens, Henry & Henrietta, in her backyard when we were kids. We share history, school memories, secrets, nicknames, and laughter…still do, long-distance with birthday gifts/cards/phone calls. Our calls usually end with the word, “shalom.”

    Reply
    • Sandra Heska King says

      August 3, 2019 at 3:30 pm

      Laura, we once had a Henry and Henrietta. We bought them (or maybe they were given to us) at the county fair. They turned into Henry I and Henry II.

      Reply
  5. Laurie Klein says

    July 29, 2019 at 5:12 pm

    Laura, what entertaining, empowering word volleys! Your delightful mutual practice reminds me a little of those little collages artists exchange: trading cards, I think they’re called.

    “We don’t plan it or force it. It just happens. And even if the form of play is similar in some friendships, the texture of each is as distinct as a fingerprint.”

    Had to look up pullulate. 🙂

    Reply
    • Sandra Heska King says

      August 3, 2019 at 4:01 pm

      I had to look it up, too. Interesting uses…

      Reply
  6. Bethany R. says

    May 14, 2021 at 11:53 pm

    I loved reading back over this delightful post & comments. Am mulling over your thoughtful question, “Is silence a steadying or structural element in a friendship?” Thanks for this, Laura, would like to read another one of your posts. 🙂

    Reply

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