He sat across from his wife, scrolling through a social media site on his phone. She stared past him, eyes empty. There may have been a child next to them in the booth at Mooyah. I don’t remember. The sight of the disconnected couple was too oddly riveting.
In the next booth over, a father leaned back with his arm around one of his daughters, and he smiled as he listened to her and his three other daughters’ chatting. For their part, the girls seemed happy to be with one another and their dad. The scene was one of gentle contentment, over a simple meal.
My daughters and I had chosen to sit on the same side of a booth-n-chairs setup (we all wanted the booth seat and decided, why not?, so we scooted together in one line on one side of the table, as if at a Mooyah gallery), and we compared veggie burgers, while an old man at the table next to us finished up a phone call then proceeded to peacefully read his paper and wait for his supper to arrive.
Who knew that Mooyah was such a fishbowl opportunity to think about human connection—or, disconnection, as the case may be.
I’m no expert on connecting, no star at creating lasting and satisfying friendships. But I have an interest in human relationship, both theoretically and practically. Like anyone else, I’ve had my puzzlements and dreams when it comes to friends. I’ve worked hard to understand myself better, discovering, for instance, that I’m more introvert than extrovert (gosh, that was a big discovery, and a critical one). I’ve learned strange things like the value of choosing to connect with people who’d rather challenge me (in a fun, confident, respectful manner) than tiptoe away, which can unfortunately set up a friendship for eventual disaster. I’ve also tried to learn the art of timing and the art of co-building and the art of listening both “to” and “beyond” the words. I’ve been inspired by great literary friendships, historical friendships, business friendships. Excellent human relationship, after all, can make the world go round (or, in its abuse or absence, destroy).
What’s been your experience with friendship? Does it puzzle you? Comfort you? Spur you to personal growth? Maybe you’re in a season of losing old friends, trying to find new ones, transitioning inside established ones, or even learning to befriend yourself. Where do you turn when you can’t understand why the person across from you would rather scroll on his phone than enjoy your company? Or, when you want to scroll on your phone, because the person across from you seems bored by your every move? How can an evening at Mooyah, alone with your paper, be something to look forward to rather than fear? Do you have strategies for making your way? Do you have models and modes?
I know, a lot of questions. (If you are going to choose to be friends with me, you might need to be up for the curiosity quotient as part of the deal.)
At Tweetspeak, where we’ve put people first from the beginning, we want to help answer a few friendship questions. We want to ask new ones. We want to learn—from and with you. And be inspired! So we’re piloting a “friendship project,” which we’ll eventually need at least 100 patrons to sustain. But we wanted to begin, and see where it might take us (and you). If enough people like it enough, find it useful and satisfying, we’ll continue. For now, we’re simply going to pilot. Here are the details we’ve figured so far (and these may modify as we discover what works best for you and for us)…
Why the Friendship Project
• Tweetspeak is a friendly, curious, growth-oriented place
• Tweetspeak believes that thoughtful, fulfilling friendships between individuals who are happy within themselves are one basis of a kind and generous society
• Tweetspeak believes that literature, poetry, and writing are some of the deepest ways we can connect as friends and be inspired regarding human relationship
• Unlike many other sites on the Internet, Tweetspeak warmly manages its community and tries to offer programming that helps people love themselves and each other, thus giving them (and each other) space and nurturance to “become who they really are”
What Is the Friendship Project?
The project is designed to explore a wide range of topics regarding making friends, maintaining friendships, being inspired by friendship, transitioning friendships, growing through friendship, even how to write about friendship (if you are a writer). Potential monthly themes we might try out during the pilot (yes, we need to make some choices!):
– Writer Friends (we’re doing this as the first in the pilot)
– Laugh Track
– Fathers and Sons
– Cross-Generational Friendships
– Difficult Conversations
– Literary Friends (think Tolkien and Lewis, Frost and Thomas)
– Great Friendship Tales
– Conflict Resolution Secrets
– Great Minds on Friendship (including a possible foray into Aristotle’s thoughts on the many faces of friendship!)
– Travel Friends
– Friends on the Net
– Introvert Paradise
– Extrovert Heaven
– Beginnings
– Endings
– The Power of Play
– Befriending Yourself
To help you explore, learn, and get inspired, we’re aiming to provide:
• one article per month
• occasional action or writing prompts
The Invitation
As always, Tweetspeak is about making an impact for people, day by day, and into their futures. We invite you to come along. Discoveries are waiting to be made. And, maybe, a few trips to Mooyah.
Photo by Nathalie, Creative Commons, via Flickr.
- Poetry Prompt: In the Wild Secret Place - January 6, 2025
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- Poetry Prompt: My Poem is an Oasis - August 26, 2024
Laura Lynn Brown says
“Does it puzzle you? Comfort you? Spur you to personal growth?” Yes, yes and yes.
Friendship is like air, food, water (or sunrises, blueberries, tea) : I can’t live without it, and I delight in it . I sustain friendships with many people who live far away; I’m slowly developing in-person friendships after moving and leaving friendships of 20 years or more.
In a time when more people than ever are living alone, and higher percentages of people are reporting feeling lonely or disconnected, this is a timely project, and I’m so glad to be part of it.
L.L. Barkat says
Glad to have you be a part of it, too, Laura. 🙂
Yes, loneliness reporting is on the rise; a great point. The reporting phenomenon is interesting to me, because it’s not necessarily just coming from people who live alone. Keltner definitely had a few things to say about it. And I was thinking today, this quote I was making up, about loneliness. The “you” in the quote is anyone at all who reads the quote, including me. 🙂 “Loneliness might cause you to seek out friendship, but the purpose of friendship is not to cure loneliness.”
It amazes me how some people want (and are quite capable of sustaining) many friendships. I look forward to hearing from these people. On the other hand, I look forward to hearing from people like my own grandmother, who, similar to that old man with the paper at Mooyah, was quite happy in her solitude. Each day had so much to look forward to, for her, even when people weren’t involved. In fact, her loneliest years, from what I can tell, were when she was living with her son and his family and then next door to her other son (who brought people into her just-built-for-her home, to visit her often) and her sister-in-law. I never saw her so purposeless and sad and alone as I did then.
Which is to say that I think sometimes we (or someone else tries to for us) substitute friendship for purpose, when perhaps the two should not be conflated. Though, for some of us, our sole delight is the purposes that come with friendships, and that’s its own thing that is beautiful and undeniable and desirable if the friends seem in mutual agreement.
In any case, I’m fairly sure the topic will have many things to offer, and that we can each learn something about ourselves and others along the way. I’m not expecting it to be simple, actually, but I am expecting it to be ever-Tweetspeak… thoughtful, and generative, and even (though not always) fun.
Laura Lynn Brown says
It sounds like your grandmother was a good friend to herself. 🙂
It’s possible to be both of those people, I think, one who has many friends and also one who happily spends many hours or even days in solitude.
This project offers, among other things, the opportunity to examine underlying questions and assumptions. One question, of course, is how we define “friend.” Just the one word, yet it encompasses so many different kinds of -ships.
I’d like to hear more from you sometime about the purposes that come with friendships.
L.L. Barkat says
Such a rich conversation to come, about the purposes of friendships. I’m guessing it will take a whole lot of exploration and maybe poetry to begin to define and discover (even though most of us already have our own ideas about how this works. 🙂 ).
After a fun conversation on the matter this weekend with my girls, we decided that the purposes of friendship might be “whatever friends decide they are.” Also, that friendships are for happiness, partly because people are often happier when they are giving to others, and friendship can provide for that.
We also watched A Little Princess this weekend, and many times throughout I was thinking it was the answer to this question, in moving pictures instead of words (although, there were also some direct statements made about friendship). The numbers of friendships in that movie, and the types, are pretty amazing (and quite inspiring)—father to daughter, neighbor to neighbor, child to child, worker to worker, orphan to orphan, storyteller to listener.
Two of my favorite clips (one featuring neighbor to neighbor, the other child to child, though in a situation created because of friendship with a neighbor)…
(see comment below for first clip)
L.L. Barkat says
Let’s see if I can get that first clip to show up without having to click through
Dave Malone says
That clip is just phenomenal! Absolutely love.
L.L. Barkat says
Isn’t it? 🙂
And, because I wanted more (and a bit better quality), my own girl made a special order fan vid for me (me, being the fan in this case!)…
Dave Malone says
Aw, that’s awesome. 🙂
Katie says
L.L.,
Their bright faces and giggles say it all:)
Katie
L.L. Barkat says
So darling, yes?
It made me think that there is something so easy about childhood friendships. Not that they really are, at some level. And yet. I was considering that we could perhaps take a cue from children’s co-playing and the way they are simply ready to imagine things with each other and give each other gifts from the heart, as if those gifts were made of gold.
In their way, they are.
Laura Lynn Brown says
I don’t know that movie. But I see it’s on Netflix.
There’s something easy about the best friendships, I think. And gifts from the heart are often part of them.
I feel like I’m in a house I know pretty well and a door is opening to rooms and rooms I’ve never explored.
Laura Willis says
Good friendships are life-affirming and inspiring. I love this topic and look forward to Tweetspeak’s ever-thoughtful focus on it!
Bethany Rohde says
I feel the same way. 🙂
L.L. Barkat says
Laura, I’m intrigued by the idea of a friendship being “life-affirming.” Can you say more?
Laura Willis says
My closest friendships provide support, honesty, and compassion when everything else seems lost. They reflect the best in what life is about, I believe. I’m going to think more about this……
L.L. Barkat says
I look forward to your further thoughts. Also, that phrase “what life is about” feels rich to me. And, “reflect.”
Katie says
L. L.,
You had me at: “If you are going to choose to be friends with me, you might need to be up for the curiosity quotient as part of the deal.”
Count. Me. In.
Katie
L.L. Barkat says
Marvelous, Katie. You’re in. 🙂
Katie says
L.L.
Thanks! Problem is I forgot my password. Do I need to take the survey again to pick a new one?
Katie
Kris R says
I have always struggled with friendships. Difficult to make them and difficult to sustain them.It gets more difficult as I get older. Many acquaintances, not many I called friend. It does indeed take work to be a friend for some of us.I think I was unintentionally a terrible friend in my 20s often. I’ve had to grow up and learn how to be a better friend intentionally later in life But as people are already settled into friendships there is often not room for me. I think I also struggle with the idea of excepting of there are seasonal friendships And that is OK. Not everyone is going to be your lifelong friend as I would wash them to be.
This is a rich topic. One group have been thinking about is nostalgia friends. I’m thinking of my fellow theater members from my college days who now that we’ve gotten older are trying to latch onto the good old days by having these annual reunion was to try to catch the fire the magic of the old days.
L.L. Barkat says
Kris, thank you for sharing your journey with us.
We’re really interested in what helps people make and keep friends (though some friendships, as you say, are definitely seasonal). It can be especially difficult for shy or introverted people, who aren’t so big on “small talk” as a means to becoming friends—but who are just as fun and wonderful in friendship, if only they have a more seamless way to make it happen.
The idea of nostalgia friends sounds promising. When you think back to the magic of those “old days,” what do you think was different about the situation?
Dave Malone says
I love the possibilities. So many different “ships.” Good one, Laura! Seasonal friendships is definitely one, Kris. And I particularly like your comment, Laura Willis, that good friendships are life-affirming and inspiring, which is where I hope to take my future post. 😊